By Monti Skiby. 9/9/2019
Disappointment is difficult to to face. We have pre-conceived ideas of how someone or something is going to happen. There can be expectations in order to receive acceptance. We see it in children who receive a low test score. Others who can not hit a home run or make every basket they try. Valentine’s Day may come and go and no one remembers. It happens all the time in various situations. Throughout our entire life we are disappointed and we disappoint others. Not with the intent of disappointing but trying to meet someone elses expectation (s). Searching for acceptance and meeting expectations from others often develops into “part” of our identy.
When a person survives a brain injury it is common to have a loss of identy.
Many of us are no longer able to work or be the wife, husband, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, sister, brother… we once were. Some can not provide for their family any longer or fill the position as they once did as a mother, father, grandparent, aunt/uncle or have a position of making decisions for the family. Each one of the things I mentioned is a loss of a purpose we once had. Our purpose needs to be re-identified.
We are taught from a very young,”what do you want to be when you grow up”? A police officer, a fire fighter, a teacher, a lawyer, a mommy, a daddy…. determining our worth and identity by the job or position in the family we have. Is is “WHAT” we are. Never do we ask children “WHO” do you want to be? Compassionate, peaceful, spiritual, loving, gentle, hateful, angry…. Being identified by a job or position in the family is external to who you are. Not the characteristics which have developed inside within you.
“WHO” you are involves your character as a person. It comes from traits you develop as your inner self. A reflection of your emotions, mental state, spirituality, feelings towards others, feelings toward yourself, ability to think of someone other than yourself. When we loose the identity society has identified by “WHAT” we are we feel like a failure.
Same happens when a person survives a brain injury, “you just got fired from your life”. No longer able to work, be a husband or wife, etc … I’m sure you get the point. How do we feel? Like a failure. Unable to do what was once the roles we played. The hats we wore as teacher and mother/father and aunt/uncle, brother/sister. Now we need to depend on others, not being totally independent any more, and not be able to think as we once did. It takes longer to process thoughts, answers or even to understand what was said.
The rug has been pulled right out from under us. Having to look at “WHO” we are for the first time in our life. Learning to identify characteristics within you is Hell. Territory not travelled before. We believe; we have lost the position of being equal, we no longer are able to provide for others as we once did, we think we have or are losing everything we had.
All of these things can not be seen but only felt. Feeling worthless comes easy. Explaining it to someone does not.
Do not abandon us. Do not treat us as if we are at fault. We are not stupid. We have a brain injury which will heal for the rest of our life. We have not changed as a person. We now have limitations.
Having someone who cares about you is very difficult to find. Many people leave because they do not understand, don’t want to understand, want “WHAT” you were before, they can not find the love and acceptance to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Expectations have to be eliminated. There is no room for pre-conceived notions of what must be done for acceptance. There never should have been expections in the first place.
I was a swim coach for a young group of kids years ago. 1st rule for parents was there would be no negative comments made to child (ren).
2. Parents were not allowed on deck. Even at swim meets. They sit in the bleachers (as long as no negative remarks).
3. If they persisted in negative remarks they were not allowed at the practices or meets.
There were 6 yr olds who had to be taught to swim. There was a 9 yr old who was deaf. There were young teens who believed they could do nothing right. I loved this group of kids.
The kids were taught not to compare times with other kids at meets but to focus on how their times improved from the last meet. Smiles came from shaving off 2 seconds, 5 seconds and even 12 seconds. The teen who said she could not do or accomplish anything shaved off seconds every meet and she smiles as the seconds came off. If the kids swam in 3 meets they received a metal from me for good attendance & doing the best they could do. If they swam in 6 meets another metal for attendance & doing the best they could. Same for 9 meets. The 12 kids succeeded no matter what. They learned self respect, responsibility of following through and setting goals. 9 of the 12 went to go to the State Meet because of their times and achievements.
We are the same person. Our personality and abilities have changed. The person is the same. Loving someone enough to help them heal is a genuine love. This is for ourself, friends and family.
Hope this helps. God has kept you alive for a reason. Love you. By Monti Skiby.☝❤