[BLOG POST] There’s always hope… Encouragement after TBI

By Bill Herrin

My dad would often tell me not to get discouraged, and as a young man, I didn’t understand why…sometimes it made me frustrated. What he knew (that I didn’t at the time) was that he was preparing me for discouraging times in my life. This was a part of his legacy as a dad, and he was laying the groundwork for doing his best to impart positivity and hope into my character…whatever may come! Not everyone has this kind of person in their lives, but many of us can be our own encouragers through positive self-talk, thoughts, prayers, and by being encouraging to others.

There’s no magical solution for encouragement – you start by taking a situation that you’re going through, and startdissecting it. By asking yourself “how bad is this, really?”, you start to see things for what they are. If your emotions cloud your outlook, you may give up the fight, or just become tired of working to keep things positive. Let’s face it – brain injuries of any kind are no “walk in the park.” For many, progress is slow, or even elusive. Finding some redeeming things in your life is the first step to realizing that there are also things to be thankful for, despite any other negative issues that have placed you in this “new normal”.

Let’s take a look at some ways that can be encouraging for you, a person that you may take care of (as a caregiver), or maybe just to encourage a loved one or spouse. Remember that every TBI is different, as well as every personality…there are no two situations that are exactly the same. The goal is to paint with a broad brush, and point to ways of encouragement that most likely will apply to most TBI survivors, and the challenge to you is to apply them appropriately to your situation! It’s never a “cut and dried’ kind of thing when you’re dealing with TBI, and unfortunately, there will be suggestions here that will absolutely not apply to some survivors at all. With that said, let’s plod ahead, and plot our path toward being more encouraged…or being more encouraging to someone else. Let’s find some inspiration!

• Negativity can easily creep in, when there’s not enough progress after a TBI. Negative attitudes can be the norm, as people wear down when they’re dealing with pain, loss, stress, impulsive behavior, lack of motivation, poor self-awareness, and their overall recovery. For a caregiver, spouse, or family member, you can reinforce positive behavior on their part by maintaining your patience with them…stopping negative behavior by modeling patience and good behavior can be tough to maintain, but it can pay off by easing the overall household stress level. If you’re on working toward increasing positivity on your own (as a survivor), one of the main things to keep in mind is that change will be incremental. Implementing total change in one fell swoop is a daunting task, and will most likely lead to failure…and more negativity. Small steps toward your goal will not only give you confidence that positive change is occurring, but others will see it as well…you’ll know that you’re making progress, and others will reinforce that by seeing it as well. Change begins with you. That’s encouraging!

• Finding joy in small things can be a stepping stone to other “wins” in your journey toward a more positive outlook after TBI. Let’s say, for example, that you’re having a hard time using a TV remote – the channel select button is hard to press when you’re holding the remote. Finding a workaround sounds simple enough, and if it can reduce your stress…then try doing something differently. In this case, maybe holding the remote with both hands. The point is that trying different ways to approach everyday (small) issues can build confidence and positivity. It will give you insight into building up to working on larger items on your list that you’d like to conquer…it’s always going to be one step at a time!

• When feeling irritable or stressed out (which can be a huge problem after a TBI), strive to remember that lashing out at others creates more of the same. Keep in mind that your challenges don’t have to define you as a person…sure there are issues to deal with every day, and some are huge. Pain, mental clarity, uncontrollable emotions – they all come into play, but awareness of negative thoughts that are brought on by these things can be the first step toward minimizing how you react to them – which brings more self-control. When you feel that you’re managing your actions, despite how you’re feeling (not an easy thing) – you’re going to become a more positive person, and you’ll start working your way in the “the zone” of actually being more encouraged by taking positive actions on your own. When you own your behavior, you’ll learn to control it, albeit incrementally. That’s finding a more positive you through self-change, and impacting your surroundings with behaviors that breed more positivity (from family, friends, etc.). It’s a synergy that breeds encouragement for all involved.

• When it comes to caregivers, spouses, family or friends – consequences of bad behavior from a TBI survivor will sometimes be met with more bad behavior. Negativity breeds more of the same. Outbursts from a TBI survivor, for instance, that are met with an outburst in reply, can be the rocket fuel that makes everything spin out of control very fast. As a person in the life of a survivor, you have to remember everything that the survivor is experiencing is very difficult, and weigh your responses accordingly. Sure, you can reply firmly when a behavior is totally inappropriate, offensive or even dangerous to themselves (or others), but the goal of bringing them to a point of having a more positive outlook is going to require patience from you, as well as them.

Here is a short, but excellent checklist of tips for caregivers (excerpted from Caregiving After Brain Injury, A Survivor Guide (By Carolyn Rocchio)

Tips on managing caregiving…

✓ Model behaviors you want to see.

✓ Reinforce behaviors you want to see increase.

✓ Structure the environment and use cues for positive behaviors.

✓ Plan rest periods.

✓ Ignore behaviors you want to decrease when safety is not an issue.

✓ Avoid situations that provoke behaviors you are trying to reduce.

✓ Redirect rather than challenge the person.

✓ Seek professional help sooner rather than later.

 

Caregiving requires lots of patience and understanding. It is normal to have many feelings of resentment, sadness, and grief over the loss of the person you knew and loved before the injury. It is not always easy to learn to love this new and different person. With time, strength and endurance, most caregivers find comfort in knowing their job is improving the life of their family member with a brain injury.

In closing, survivors of TBI have negative and positive options to approaching their recovery, and rebuilding a life is a “do it yourself project” for the most part – all other players in their lives can give care, encouragement, and as much help as possible, but in the end the survivor will determine their path to recovery (and it will depend on their outlook and overall cognition). By not focusing on the past, and living in the present (in their “new normal”), TBI survivors have a shot at making a new and satisfying life. Not necessarily the life they had before, but through encouragement and work, they can at least find as much contentment as possible. As my dad always said: don’t get discouraged. A simple, but clear statement of encouragement that can carry you through the rest of your life. Own it!

via There’s always hope… Encouragement after TBI

[BLOG POST] Miscommunication …Straight From the Horse’s Mouth

By Bill Herrin

Communication is the lifeline of any relationship!

 

Work to take frustration out of communication

When a TBI happens, the survivor is the primary person left with the biggest life changes of all. However, family and friends are also impacted in a huge way. For survivors of a TBI, finding ways to communicate about worries, frustrations, physical issues and emotions – as well as conveying all of these things to loved ones is not only tiring – sometimes it just doesn’t come out in a way that’s easy to understand. That’s miscommunication. Your grasp of your life after TBI is going to depend on several key factors: acceptance, progression, facing denial, and finding the inner strength to move on with your “new normal.”

That’s an easy thing to tell someone, but living it out is a challenge that every person will handle differently – as varied as each brain injury (and its effects) can be. Your mental and emotional connections to others are going to be different. Responses to how you communicate can be different as well…all leading to miscommunication on both ends of any conversation. That can lead to frustration, anger, hurt feelings, and a host of other things. We’re going to take a look at how to soften the blow of harsh words, misunderstandings, missed points, and overall miscommunications.

Saying how you feel

One of the key things to consider as a survivor of TBI is this: No matter how you feel, try to consider how the people all around you are feeling as well. They may be feeling bad for you, or they may be feeling time constraints from caregiving, or possibly just feeling overwhelmed or concerned that you’ve changed since your TBI. Communication of thoughts between the two of you (or between you and all of them) is critical to your successful recuperation, to your emotions, and your relationships. This also goes for your family and friends – they should strive to understand that you are affected by their attitude and communication with you. It’s always a two-way street, and it even was before TBI came into the picture – but, now it’s even more critically important. Miscommunication can create even more stress.

They’ve noticed change

Empathy makes things better for everyone involved

Friends come and go, many last a lifetime, but family is forever. Keep in mind, family members can be your best advocate – or your worst critic. The point is this: it’s best to surround yourself (to the best of your ability) with people who understand how you’ve changed and they embrace the change. Empathy is one of the strongest healers – having an understanding of what someone else is experiencing, and “putting yourself in their shoes” can make the worst situation more bearable for everyone involved. This goes for the survivor, family, friends, and co-workers, etc. Seeing how everyone deals with the your TBI can bring a team together, instead of having miscommunication and strife. Strife is going to happen, because nobody is perfect, but remember that we need each other!

Trying to read people

When we talk with each other, half of our expression comes from….well…our expressions. Our facial expressions and body language say a lot, and can be subtle or direct. Survivors of TBI may lose their ability to take expressions or body language into account, or even misread what it being intended. This is also miscommunication. For family and friends, a natural rapport and emotional (as well as physical) healing will usually improve with time. Remembering that is key to maintaining a friendship with the TBI survivor in your life. They’re working toward their new normal, and their frustrations are going to be running high as well. Work toward better communication together!

Expression and tone of voice

Try not to get discouraged

Voice, diction, and clarity of speech can often be affected after a TBI. As a survivor of TBI, strive to work on your speech patterns – with a clinician if possible, or with a caregiver or friend…and even on your own if possible. Enunciation is only going to improve with practice – kind of like playing a musical instrument. Practice, practice, practice! You’ll never get further without having the will to improve. It’s that simple – nobody can make you want to improve, but they can encourage you to do it. One of the bigger parts of miscommunication, beside changed behaviors and expressions is the simple fact that clarity of speech makes a huge difference. Some may never be able to achieve their previous language skills, but communicating what you feel, need, think, want, etc., as clearly as possible is going to be the reward for all your hard work.

Changes in relationships

Whether a TBI survivor is married, single, a child or teen, man, woman, or anything else – relationships are the fuel that keep most people pushing ahead. Since relationships require effort from all parties involved, be aware that brain injury is going to “throw a wrench” into the mix. Many people want to solve problems – they’re “fixers,” full of suggestions and comments, and sometimes criticism. This can bring a lot of tension into a relationship. If you can work to remember one thing about relationships, it’s this: True friends love you for who you are, and they’ll meet you wherever you’re at. Despite being different after TBI doesn’t mean you’re a completely different person, but it does mean that parts of your personality, likes, dislikes, and other things have changed. If someone points out to you that you’re not the same person any longer, consider telling them this: “Think of me as a house. I’ve made some new additions, I’ve changed some things around, I’ve gotten rid of some things, and maybe I don’t seem quite the same. But I’m still the same house…just a remodeled one, now.” Maybe that simple analogy will explain that you’re always going to be you, but changes do happen!

The bottom line

Frustration can make your day seem long

This particular blog is purposely not referencing clinical books, studies, findings, or scientific facts. The goal here is to help families and TBI survivors see themselves in a different light, as a team – as co-conspirators in a battle against TBI, that they both are fighting together. A TBI survivor needs you. You need and love them. Don’t let miscommunications become a wedge between you, because they’ve changed. Overlooking an outburst of frustration of a TBI survivor could make the rest of their day much better. For a survivor of TBI, letting go of a snide comment about them by a loved one who is frustrated or tired, could mean the difference in their day. Communicate with each other as clearly as you can, and always work toward better communication. It’s the key to progress. I hope that you can find contentment in life if you’ve experienced a TBI. I also hope that you will find it as a caregiver, family member, or friend of a TBI survivor. The words of a very well-known college basketball coach come to mind – Coach Jim Valvano, from North Carolina State University was battling terminal cancer, and in one of his last speeches to his adoring public he said “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.” Those are words to live by.

via Miscommunication …Straight From the Horse’s Mouth – Brain Injury Blog With Free TBI Information