[BLOG POST] Comparison, the Thief of Joy

by Veronique Theberge

Comparison between people, aptitudes, skills, etc is a concept that most of us would be familiar with. Of late, I’ve been spending time assessing how the ongoing comparison between the old and new me since encephalitis and acquired brain injury may be affecting my overall happiness and recovery.

The changes in lifestyle, in physical and cognitive abilities and in energy levels has been pretty drastic and to be perfectly honest quite a bumpy ride too. Comparison is no longer between what others can achieve versus where I stand, but between where I used to sit versus what my new reality allows for now. On more than one occasion, this has been really disheartening. It has affected all spheres of my life and comparison reached an all time high on a personal, professional and social level.

Has comparison between and old me and new me been a thief of joy? Absolutely.

As I’m taking a step back to write this blog, I’m thinking about some of the words that I used, about comparisons that I have made between the old and new me, and I can see clear as day how so many of those comparisons would have been harmful. I can see how they would have detracted me from achieving a state of happiness. I can say in all honesty that comparison between the old and new me has triggered several negative thoughts.

Social comparison

Attending social events following a brain injury is not an easy undertaking and I have avoided a fair share of them over the years. One would think that by not attending an event that there would be less ground for comparison, but I found that to be quite the opposite. In fact, I found it has heightened social comparison.

FOMO is a real thing and digital technologies do not let you get away with much unseen unfortunately. It has often made me aware of the immense gap between the number & type of event that I can manage compared to everyone else. When I have put myself out there, it’s often highlighted my newly acquired challenges and the ways in which I have adapt in order to survive the simplest of gathering. Those few examples describe really well how social comparison may have had a negative impact on my overall recovery and wellbeing.

Professional comparison

In the early days of recovery I was extremely lucky to have the support of a stellar employer. They were amazing! We settled on a return to work schedule that catered for my health challenges and we amended the plan as recovery went on. However, limited time in the office and reduced cognitive abilities meant that in order to see some projects come to fruition, some tasks and responsibilities had to be dispatched amongst other colleagues. I understood the reasoning for this, but it felt unfair. It felt unfair that a brain inflammation and its resulting brain injury robbed me of some of my professional aspirations. It highlighted, once again, some of my shortfalls. I started perceiving injustice in my professional life and the culprit was for the most part the new me and its ongoing limitations. I remember all too well comparing my cognitive aptitudes, productivity and the state of my executive functioning between the old and new me…and for the most part, I did not like the state of it one bit!

Personal comparison

With managing limitations left and right and learning to live life as the new me, it didn’t take long for the negative to outweigh the positive between the old and new me. I was more times than not pretty disappointed with the massively scaled down version of the old me. I’ll go as far as saying that at times, I hated this new me. Unsurprisingly, this sort of internal dialogue and belief lead me to think that I was failing all the times. It felt as though I was falling short on so many fronts. Looking back, I realise how harsh and unkind I was to this new version of me which was in reality working harder than ever.

How could the reflection of the person in the mirror be the same yet FEEL so different? Comparison was truly the thief of joy but at the centre of it all were two different versions of ME that I could simply not reconcile.

As I’m reading and reviewing this blog , I so wish that I could have told that person in the mirror something – ANYTHING – to have her believe that things will be ok in the end. That rediscovering and healing myself will happen, but that it will take time and occur in many shapes and sizes. The thing is, I’m not sure that I would have believed then what I know now anyway.

If you are stuck in this exact phase of your recovery, I won’t sit here pretending that getting to know and appreciate the new you will be easy. I get you, I understand the frustrations, I understand the complexity of the challenges that you are faced with and all their associated emotions. I truly feel for you and above all, I wish I had a magic wand to fast track this process ten-fold. I think it’s a journey and that at some stage we come to realise that we have to trust the process.

Tips to manage comparisons

Below are a few ideas that I’ve come across in an article from Psychology Today* that I’m thinking may help you manage some of the harmful comparisons between the old and new version of yourself following brain injury:

1. Recognize that you’re likely using an unrealistic target when evaluating yourself and adjust accordingly.

2. Consider what you’re trying to achieve when making a comparison.

3. If comparisons have you feeling down, spend some time thinking about positives: how much a skill has improved over time, how much worse a situation could be than it is in reality, or others who may see you as a role model right now.

We have to remember that comparisons can go both ways. Finding ways to use comparisons in a positive way can actually be helpful. Again, I’m not saying that it’s easy, but with the right mindset, we can gradually start turning things around.

Final words on comparison

So next time when I ask myself if comparison between and old me and new me has been a thief of joy, I think I’ll tweak my answer in the following way…Yes of some of my joys, but time has been my ally. As the new me started finding its place and purpose, I discovered so much about myself and this definitely translated into growth that would have never come about otherwise. Trust that somewhere along the way, you will start embracing the new you and that comparisons between the old and new you will fade away.

*https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/blog/multiple-choice/201903/is-comparison-really-the-thief-joy

Source

[BLOG POST] Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive

My guess is that when people read the title of this article they will react with either a, “what are they talking about?  How can someone be grieving someone who is still alive and what the heck is ambiguous grief???” or a “holy crap, yes!  I have felt exactly that way! Thank goodness WYG is finally covering this topic”.  This is one of those topics where if you have been there, you get it and if you haven’t, you don’t.  Either way, hopefully you’ll read on.

Before we dive in, if you clicked on this post because you feel like you are grieving someone with a terminal illness who has not yet died, there is another WYG article you should read before you read this article.  Check out our article on Anticipatory Grief, which is about the grief that comes when we anticipate that we are going to lose someone.

In contrast to anticipatory grief, there are times in life when someone we love becomes someone we barely recognize.  The person is still physically with us, but psychologically they are gone. There are a range of reasons this can happen.  Some of the most common are things like addiction, dementia, traumatic brain injuries, and mental illness.  If you have never lived through loving someone in such a situation, this can be hard to understand.  The person you love is still there, sometimes they ‘look’ sick, sometimes they don’t.  But regardless of how they look, they do things they would never have done, they say things they would never have said, treat you in ways they never would have treated you, and they are not there for you in ways they previously were.  This is sometimes referred to as “ambiguous grief” or “ambiguous loss”.

This may sound very abstract, but when it occurs in your life it is very concrete and real.  Your mom, who always loved and supported you, doesn’t recognize you, understand you or says hurtful things.  You husband, who was always kind and considerate, is now lying and stealing to support an addiction.  You son, who was brilliant and driven, is now struggling with delusions and hallucinations.

These things do not change our love for the person – we still love our mom with dementia, our husband with an opiate addiction, our son with schizophrenia.  But this continued love doesn’t change how deeply we miss the person they used to be, the person we lost.  We may not feel like we have the same relationship with that person – our marriage no longer feels like a marriage when one spouse can no longer remember the other.  The parent-child relationship no longer feels the same when a parent has to stop protecting, trusting, or helping a child in the same way due to addiction.  The child-parent relationship becomes confused when a child has to care for a parent.   Though we still have a relationship with the person it has radically changed and we grieve the relationship we used to have.

Our ‘ambiguous grief’ feelings may be sadness and yearning, anger and guilt, or a range of other emotions.  These emotions can become even more complicated than the grief that comes after a death when the behaviors and words of the ‘new’ person causes us to question our old memories.  Or worse, they can start to consume our brains as those old memories begin to fade.  Another complication of ambiguous grief is that many people don’t recognize it as grief.  When those around us don’t acknowledge our grief, or make us feel that we have permission to grieve this sort of loss, that can make you feel lonely and isolated. It can be a hard type of grief to open up about because we know others may not acknowledge it.

As usual, the big question is so what?! So what that it is grief? So what do I do about it?

Ambiguous Grief Tips: what to do when you are grieving someone who is still alive:

• Remember that the present doesn’t override the past. This can be easier said than done, but it is important to remember that the person your loved one is now doesn’t change the person they were.  Even if their words or behaviors now are difficult or hurtful, even if your relationship has changed and is not what it was, this doesn’t change the person they were and the relationship you had.  Cherish those positive memories, write them down, create a scrapbook of old photos, whatever you can.
• Understand that the illness isn’t the person. This sounds obvious, but it can be really tough when someone you love seems like they should be the same wonderful person they always were, they’re not.  Whether it is addiction, dementia, a brain injury, mental illness, or anything else, it is important to understand the illness.  As much as we may still feel anger, frustration, or blame toward the person, understanding the illness can divert some of those feelings.
• Acknowledge the grief and pain of the loss. Though society may not always recognize this type of grief, it is important that you give yourself permission to grieve this loss.  Acknowledge and express the pain of the loss, rather than trying to ignore or avoid the pain.
• Be open to a new type of relationship. When the person we love has changed, the relationship we have with them will inevitably change.  This can feel like it is objectively and entirely a bad thing, but there is an opportunity for a new type of relationship.  Will this new relationship always be easy? No.  Hell no.  In fact, many days it will be very very hard. But being open and seeking gratitude in your new relationship can be extremely helpful.
• Connect with others who can relate. When many won’t relate to ambiguous loss, finding a support group can be of help.  There are support groups out there for caregivers of those with dementia, groups like Al-anon and Nar-anon for family members of those with addiction, and groups like NAMI who offer groups for family of those with mental illness.

Check out more on Ambiguous Loss by visiting the website of Pauline Boss, the woman who first labeled and researched this topic.

Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/ambiguous-grief-grieving-someone-who-is-still-alive/?fbclid=IwAR203im_L-kJvSQFUfaHCvEgLh95RELzius5BCf3TqDG3lD1Xy7FIOy0eWk

[WEB SITE] Emotional adjustment following traumatic brain injury

Life after a traumatic brain injury resulting from a car accident, a bad fall or a neurodegenerative disease changes a person forever. But the injury doesn’t solely affect the survivor – the lives of their spouse or partner and other family members often are also turned inside out.

Virginia Commonwealth University experts in rehabilitation psychology and neuropsychology, such as Jeffrey Kreutzer, Ph.D.,and his team, are among the frontrunners in the country leading research and clinical services focused on helping survivors, couples and families reclaim their sense of self-value and worth – thereby helping them build a life that they can feel good about living.

Below, Kreutzer, the Rosa Schwarz Cifu Professor in Cancer Rehabilitation in the Department of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation in the School of Medicine and director of the federally designated VCU Traumatic Brain Injury Model System of Care, discusses his work, the emotional side of TBI and his hopes for changing the lives of patients and families…

via Emotional adjustment following traumatic brain injury.